My Apology
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: All Satine wants is to apologize to Christian for all the pain. Please read and review.


Notes; the inspiration for this actually came while I was watching the newest Buffy episode. I don't know how they relate, my mind works in mysterious ways.  
I'm on a roll this past week. Blame it on the boredom of not being in school and not getting any shifts at work except on the weekends. *grumble*  
  
My Apology  
  
Oh Christian . . . I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could stand before you once more and say everything that I always wanted to say. I wish that the Duke had never even seen me, I wish I was still just a prostitute. No stardom was worth what I paid. I suppose it's too late now for wishing, isn't it? It's too late for me to try and apologize because I can't, there is no way that my words will reach you.   
  
I stand here, watching over you as you sleep. It hurts sometimes, more than I can bear, but I return every night to keep my vigil over you. I feel it's my duty to watch you, I am the one who has caused you all this pain. I didn't mean to, you have to understand this. Even in my last moments on stage with you I was sure I had many days ahead of me, I was determined to make things right again.  
  
But instead, I died. My body failed me when my heart needed you the most and all my chances to make you happy were torn away. I miss you so very much, I miss holding you. But you have to go on Christian, you can't live your life this way.  
  
Will you hear me? Probably not. I can't imagine why you would. I'm simply a ghost from your past, the woman you loved who is now dead. My voice is the wind and my words are lost in the rush. What if I were to sing? Will you hear me if I sing to you?  
  
It's not the way that I intended this,  
I didn't realize how much I would miss  
But with every parting of our company  
I hate to think what it has done to me.  
  
Can you hear me Christian? Can you hear my words to you? They're all true, every one of them is true. As I died, I knew I would miss you but I could have never imagined how much. I miss the most insignificant details of our life together; Toulouse interrupting us at all hours, Satie and his infernal racket above, the Argentinean falling through your ceiling. I miss it all. And every night when I leave you I feel my heart being torn out again. This is the only way I know to express my sorrow, I wish there were some other way to tell you.  
  
When cruelty comes with kind indifference  
My humanity becomes the best defence  
But if you consider the alternative,  
I really didn't have that much to give.  
  
I know that you would disagree. You would tell me I was being ridiculous, but truthfully Christian, I was cruel. I let myself fall in love with you and I hurt you all the time by playing that ridiculous game with the even more ridiculous Duke. Letting him think I loved him! What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I see what I had? We could have run away together, we could have escaped him. Instead I let myself be pulled into his game and I hurt you.  
  
I didn't have much to give you, you and I both know that, but it always seemed to be enough for you. I was never enough for myself Christian, I don't know how I was ever enough for you. You let believe I was something special, that I had more to give than I really did. I wish I could still live within that dream.  
  
A tragic of victim of my circumstance  
Never give the devil a second chance.  
If you do you know that you can never win  
Probably best to forget and begin again.  
  
Was I really the victim here? Or were you? You, who fell in love with a courtesan. A dying courtesan who was promised to the Duke on top of it all. Maybe I was a victim of my circumstance Christian, but the only tragedy in my eyes was you. Your heart could only be broken in a place like Montmartre, I knew this from the beginning yet I tried to deny it. I tried to pretend that things would be all right.   
  
Don't let him get you again my love. Run far away from here, don't give the Duke a second chance. You'll never win against him another time. Run away and begin a new life. Forget about Montmartre, forget about the Moulin Rouge. And my love? Try to forget about me.  
  
I wish things could be different, but they are what they are. I am dead and you will have to move on. I'm sorry Christian, I'm so sorry.  
  
Can't you see that I am sorry?  
this has to be my apology  
My apology  
My apology  
  
End  
  
notes: Okay, I'm not quite sure what I think about this. It was definitely an experiment. Constructive criticisms on what I could have done differently; what didn't work and what did, are greatly appreciated. :) Also, I *never* write songfics, so this was a first.  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to Baz. I also don't own the song. "My Apology" was written by the very handsome and very talented Séan McCann and performed by the fantastic Canadian rock/folk band Great Big Sea. 


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